


Thoughts From Backstage

by bundlesofcherries



Category: Barry (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M, Other, Trans Male Character, Trans barry berkman, ftm barry berkman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 00:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21329542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bundlesofcherries/pseuds/bundlesofcherries
Summary: Trans Barry AU, third person, a different take on the "My Lord, the Queen is dead." I plan to write more chapters I just wrote this quickly at 10:30 pm out of boredom and sadness.
Relationships: Barry Berkman/Sally Reed
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

Barry stood in front of the mirror admiring himself. Admiring, he scoffed to himself, that is what his father would have called it, but to him it was something completely different. He stared at himself, his body completely surrounded by the mirror’s lights that filled the room with a soft warm glow. He was six feet tall and wide. His body created a large shadow in the warm light but still, he was not good enough. 

Barry had been feeling this way since he was a kid. He did not necessarily understand what was going on, but he knew that something was wrong with him. He stared back at his ill fitting body and recited the words, “My Lord, the Queen is dead.” He only had one line, but it quickly became a mantra.

He needed to distract himself from killing his friend, from his body, from everything that is fucked up about his life. He needed it to be perfect. The words needed to be the best thing he had ever said, or he could lose his only chance at being normal. No more killing, Barry thought to himself, I need to be better, for Sally’s sake.

Sally was normal. Yeah, she was kinda quirky, and had a lot of big dreams, but Sally is normal. Barry needed that structure. The joy of being treated like a “real man,” the normal job, the normal girlfriend, he craved it more than anything. 

But fuck, thanks to Fuches everything was going wrong. He was never going to get his dream, hell, he probably did not deserve his dream. I am an awful person, Barry thought to himself, no amount of being infantilized for my trans status would ever make me good. Sally loves to tell me that I am, but I am not good, nor pure, and I never will be. I fucked up, I killed an innocent man, a man who used to be my friend, and that is all on me, He thought. 

“Cannot once start me,” he hears Sally say. Fuck, he thought to himself, tears streaming down his face. He slumps his shoulders, hiding his chest and walks out onto the stage.

“My Lord, the Queen is Dead.”


	2. Before the theatre (part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry's life before acting (part one, so coming out, the military, and meeting fuches)

Barry had always known he had issues. Identity issues, anger issues, daddy issues, you name it. But nothing would ever prepare him for how his life ended up. He transitioned before the military, you know before all the Trump shit. He got in by saying he merely had a hormone disorder, they took one look at his height, angular shoulders, and face and did not suspect a thing. All he had the money for was Testosterone, but his chest was naturally small so that was good enough for him. Being a marine felt safe for Barry. I mean, he was endanger constantly, and could die at any second, but he enjoyed the routine. 

Everything was normal overseas. No one knew him from before, or felt a need to ask invasive questions. He also felt at ease with his brothers. They did not know, and Barry was never going to tell them. They did not need to know. He enjoyed the structure it provided as well. Wake up at this time. Eat at this time. Wear this. Stand this way. It was easier to live off of someone else’s rules then to invent your own. It calmed him and kept him sane, well, this was before The Incident. 

He could not believe he got away with it. Part of him wished he had not, wished he had been caught, and they had sent him to jail, because the guilt was eating him alive. After all that happened, Barry could not stand to look in the mirror anymore. I’m a monster, he thought, It should’ve been me. After coming back to the states, Barry locked himself away. He layed in bed all day, barely ate, and did not look in the mirror nor shower. He liked to pretend his life was good, but now all of the previous negative thoughts had come crashing down on him, all at the same time. This was when he started working for Fuches. 

There were many different reasons why working for Fuches was the best answer to Barry’s problems. But looking back, it is Barry’s biggest regret. He wished he would have just found someone else to cling to for awhile, I don’t know, maybe try out bdsm. But no, he managed to get manipulated into becoming a hitman. 

His dad had kicked him out at 17 right after he came out. Life after that was tough. He had no financial support so he dropped out of high school and lived out of his car for awhile. He began to work retail jobs, which sucked because he was constantly misgendered and could not do anything about it. He kept working, shitty job with shitty cis people one after the other until he finally had enough money to start Testosterone when he turned 18. It was a whole ordeal. Barry and his friends, whose houses he was staying at, all got together and celebrated. 

The fun was soon over though. All he wanted for years was Testosterone, so now what? He needed a purpose, but he could not go to college because he did not graduate high school. So he decided to give the military a chance, eventually becoming a marine after years of marine corps. Barry was good too, but as fast as he climbed, he also fell. After being released, he was right back at stage one. What to do now? Barry thought. 

Fuches was like a savior to Barry at the time. He kept him in check. Provided a sense of security, and structure, all things that Barry needed to function. Fuches filled that father sized whole that Barry had in his heart, which is how it was so easy to get manipulated into killing others for money.


End file.
